Why Am I So Grumpy All the Time?
Why am I so grumpy? I've been asking myself that lately.
I'm not unhappy, and I'm not walking around looking for an argument. But I have developed a much shorter fuse for things that, if I'm honest, probably shouldn't bother me quite as much as they do. Someone stops dead in the middle of a store aisle and I immediately think, for fuck's sake. Someone drives along at half the speed limit for no apparent reason, and I can feel myself getting beyond irritated. Someone walks through a door without holding it for the person right behind them, and I wonder when basic consideration became such a rare commodity.
The thing is, I actually do try to be considerate. I think about the people around me and how my actions might affect them. I don't stop in the middle of a walkway when others are trying to get past. I move my cart out of the way in the store. I'll let someone merge in traffic. I'll hold a door open. None of this feels special to me; it's just how I think we're supposed to behave when we're sharing the world with millions of other people.
And that's probably why it bothers me when other people seem completely oblivious.
Maybe I'm imagining it, but it sometimes feels as though we've become a little less aware of each other — people wandering through busy places without looking around or considering anyone else. It's not that I expect everyone to behave exactly as I would. It's the apparent lack of awareness that gets me. There are other people here. Surely we should occasionally notice them.
Then there's social media, which probably isn't helping my mood. You can start the day feeling perfectly fine, pick up your phone, and within ten minutes you're being told the world is falling apart. There's always another terrible story, another argument, another reason to be outraged. No wonder we're all a bit over it.
The strange thing about social media is that it can feel like an accurate picture of the world when it's really a carefully selected collection of whatever gets the biggest, most outrageous reactions. After a while, you can start to believe everyone is awful simply because you're constantly shown examples of people behaving badly.
That's likely part of why I've been feeling so grumpy. I'm noticing inconsiderate behaviour in real life, and then getting fed an endless stream of it online. It's hardly surprising my tolerance is wearing thin.
I don't actually want to become one of those people who's permanently annoyed with everyone. I don't want some idiot in a car to ruin my morning, or a stupid post to occupy my thoughts. And I certainly don't want to spend my life complaining about how nobody has manners anymore.
Perhaps the answer isn't to stop caring about other people. Being aware of the people around us matters. Holding the door matters. Saying thank you matters. Letting someone merge into traffic matters. Not blocking an entire aisle while you stare at your shopping list matters. These are tiny things, but they're what make living alongside other people a little easier.
What I probably need to work on is not letting other people's lack of consideration take up so much space in my head — letting it be a passing thought. I can still notice it. I can still think, for fuck's sake. I'm just trying to get better at letting it end there. I'm also trying to spend less time consuming things that make me grumpy: put the phone down, go outside, go for a walk, have a conversation with an actual human being. Notice the things that don't make the news because they're ordinary and good — because good things happen all the time too.
I'm going to keep trying to be considerate. That's not something I want to change just because other people can be assholes. But I'm also going to try to remember that I don't have to take every inconsiderate person, irritating driver, or ridiculous social-media argument home with me. I don't have to give it a place in my mind.
People are going to be annoying. That's probably never going to change. I just don't want to spend so much of my life being annoyed about it.
Maybe that's really what this comes down to. Noticing my own grumpiness, naming it instead of just stewing in it, is its own small act of self-care. It’s a way of saying this is how I feel right now without letting it curdle into something bigger. And on the days when the fuse feels shortest, I've found that making something or sitting with a piece of music or art that moves me, does more to settle me than any amount of holding onto something ever will. It doesn't fix the grumpiness but it gives it somewhere to go besides straight at whoever's blocking traffic in front of me.